Miguel Bracamontes

I haven't published, updated, changed, or touched my website for almost a month now. These long periods of disconnection are usual for me, but something is different this time. At least one thing looks different: this time, I did not delete anything due to the extreme stress caused by an outdated blog and an ultra-complex way of publishing stuff.

As I published before, several other iterations of this blog were written over the years, but unfortunately, they did not survive these “usual” periods of disconnection. Whenever I felt like coming back to write, I was faced with the desolating sight of a lost “workflow” (or maybe just a lost train of thought) and a niche that, back then, seemed like the most interesting thing in the world but today, not so much. So I'd proceed to nuke everything. I didn't even save a copy in a cloud account, nothing; completely erased from the internet. Not even my Internet Archive account has something stored. If I were to think about this behavior and try to explain it, I would certainly fail to provide a good rationale. It was always the result of some strange impulse. I would hate the fact that I failed to write and publish daily, or maybe the fact that I chose to write about one specific topic and, when coming back, it looked like the worst topic ever. I would also hate the fact that I chose a certain technology to build the site and now have something better (or at least different) and feel the need to start building all over again. Whatever the reason, I haven't saved any past work I've done. I was an expert nuker of my own sites.

So this time, I take the conservation of that past work as an improvement, but I won't lie either; it was (and still is) a fight against my deepest and strangest impulses. Even while thinking about keeping my website as is, thinking about that first time I'd get to have something from the past to gaze at, I was moving my hands through my keyboard downloading a new framework. I even started to configure a new website, automated and all. I wasn't thinking straight, I guess. Just randomly obeying my impulse to build something new. But I pushed through. I think I've defeated those ghosts. The anxiety is slowly receding, and little by little, I'm feeling comfortable with my writing, my topics, and the way my stuff is done and built.

I'm getting closer to the ultimate goal: the conservation of my memories, moments, thoughts, and interests. I am closer to having something built over the years, and to having a platform completely made by me, in which I have total control of what's going on. My new ideas are finding room (and I mean logical room) in my existing project. I will not delete, erase, or nuke my site (hopefully) ever again. Instead, I will add more pages to host the temporary interests and make an archive of all those topics “not so in line” with the overall website theme and so on. In conclusion, I am learning to get a hold of the stuff I do, learning to provide value to the time I've invested in building and writing, and finally, learning to face my anxieties and get out there against all odds and doubts. But periods of disconnection are still on the horizon.